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i’m no failure

November 8, 2011

Here i am in the only place where i can be cozy and know myself better everyday and every single second. i mostly spend my late evening here infront of my 19/20 century computer whose light flashes upon me like i am the supterstar performing some concert in a dark hall among thousands of people but adversely reality is bit different from my utopia .I’m just a person who tries to figure out what i want in life.The sole reason for my existence.What i have that i can give and what this world has for me to give back.Few months or almost like a year ago when i somehow manage to complete my college degree. i thought life is not going to be hard on me.It just a matter of time,I might fall at times but again the same time will rise me up and I am going to touch the sky;those horizons where the sky meets the land where impossibilities will turn into possibilities and my prayers will be answered but till then i have to lift my head up and hope that i will shine again against these people who had no faith and mercy on me.Unfortunetly, Things didn’t happen what i actually expected.I ought to do what my future holds for me and all i can say now was that it was not easy.It had lots of hindrances and tortures emotionally and mentally.I sometime wished to strangle myself because i saw no motive for my survival if this is what lord offer for me then i would rather die then tolerate but at those heyday of my emotional break down,There was someone inside me who listened to my ambivalent stitution to either cut through or to save my breath as a last hope for some change.Instead of having bad odds, optimistism ruled over and today if i reckon then i acknowledge myself for taking the wisest decision for me and my family.Those dark days still drains in my memory and will always rest in some part of my soul cause it was inked so boldly  it cannot be erased even by time.Now after months of experiencing bitterness in life finally my voice was heard faintly in the crowd of strangers. i learnt alot from them even though it tauts me virtually if i dare to think back but i don’t deny that its aftermath was something i cherished because it bolster me to become a new me.That part of me in a way develop the stronger me who can resist and react in the affable and gregarious way i don’t hesitate or falter my  decision.I make choices but i am confident to choose the right one for me wisely and thoughtfully because now i understand the dogmatism i practiced till date was never prolific for me or my future.I should try to be on my skin as far as possible because at the end of the day what matters is you and the people who care for you.Revere those who cares for you don’t venerate others just because they are good enough for themselves.Remember you want someone who is good enough for you.So …yes..yes..yes…this time around….history might repeat..i might not be able to conjure my feeling to myself …and put this mask in my face so that the world doesn’t recognize my true emotions.. but it’s not going to last forever..actually nothing lasts forever….happiness or sorrows….it has its own rotation….let them test you till you drop but…there are always people who is there for you in health and sickness…I am happy because i choose to be this way..i have no complains  or regrets over the way i look or the way i behave or the decision i made in the past as long as i am happy with it..and i will be.. even in my 8os when my body won’t respond to any stimuli…Thank goodness that i have my daddys longleg(mom) to haul me back to the place i belong. thank you god for giving me such a mom who loves me like anything else in the world and she is epitome of goddess out of love and kindness.again thank you for bringing the best in me and make me realize that there is always something big in-hold for me and your assurance might have been fallacious and vague but i believed in your words blindly which manage to soothe me when i was down.Even in comming year if i don’t succeed to achieve my destiny, i won’t worry a bit because i know its a test of time,i will keep on rehearsaling for the final play and hit the iron when its hot and leave rest of the work to our almighty god.Then,everything will be fine and just fine….

-binu thapa magar


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